Why being lonely is sometimes super awesome: The diary of an anxiety sufferer

It's 12 in the afternoon. From here my day consists of waking up, scrambling around reaching on my desk, knocking over an inordinate amount of energy drink cans till I find one with something in it. I finish that, find the power switch on my pc, then roll back over. After 5 minutes of cursing natural light, my day on the internet begins. Welcome to my life. I'm Carl, and I'm an anxiety sufferer.

Thats how my days off are. It wasn't always like this. I used to be relatively well adjusted. At high school, I was relatively popular within my circle of friends I think, and it used to be pretty cool. College followed and I had stuck with some people more than others. One person who doesn't need to be named has stuck with me since ......like I was 5. He is cool. As college progressed, I felt a bigger and bigger gap between myself and my peers. Sure, I could talk to them, and pass time with them, but there was something there which I could never quite put my finger on. To this day, I still can't. I can say this though. I've only kept in touch with one guy from college. You know who you are, and you fucking rock. Even if you are a druid.

Wondering how I got to this point? The following is where I try to explain it, as vividly as I can.

Act 1: Someone just like me.
I suppose I will harken back to my youth. As a child, I was diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome:
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/442029
As I grew older, this would sort of come and go, depending on the extremity of the situation. A moment in time I remember very intensly could be considered amusing to the outsider. I was sat upstairs, playing Command and Conquer for the Playstation. I was about 9 years old, and obviously didn't know what I was doing. At this point my parents burst in the room, heard me subconciouslly saying obscenities, and...hit me. A lot. They didn't know at this point that I was suffering from it, so they did what they thought was best. I don't blame or have any sort of anger at them for this. Years before, I went to a child psychiatrist, and she said "I have no symptoms". I go back years later, and "Oh actually, he does. Sorry about the fuck up".

We were not best pleased. The years inbetween this and my next "Phase" flew by. Occasionally I would be bad, sometimes not. It was just a phase I suppose. It wasn't fun to grow up with. People looking at me, whispering about me, asking what I was doing. Looking at it now, this was probably where my onset of anxiety began.

Fast Forward to High School....

Act II. Medicate (Awakening)]
At high school, things were okay. I was a healthy growing up child, who "Gets on well with his peers and works hard when he exerts himself". I was happy then, with that brief ridiculous romance with the school Goth, which I will say now, was fucking weird, but I suppose thats another story for another day. In my spare time, I obviously played Video games. It was in this time my Father introduced me to Half-Life. I imagine it like what people felt like when they first heard The Beatles or something. I fucking hate them, but liken it to that if you will. As I grew older, I began to immersify myself deeper and deeper in RPG's. The atmosphere, the characters, the plots. I felt like I could really....be alive in those games. Becoming engrossed in fiction was where I found my haven, my "Home away from home", so to say. Normal people my age were going out, getting illegally drunk, experimenting with underage sex, and all the "Fun, cool" stuff I suppose you are meant to do at that age. I wasn't. I was wondering how the fuck to get the Key to get in that door in the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time ( You all know which one I am talking about. Nostalgiabomb or go to hell.) Well, I suppose everyone is entitled to do what they like right?

Fast forward to college:

Act 3: Full circle

College was fucking awesome. When I began, it was a totally new thing for me. I could study what I wanted, meet new friends from the district, and hopefully...do something with myself. Maybe meet a girl and....I don't know. Whatever. As college progressed over the years, I made a few good friends actually. I had a full selection of people I could hang out with, and for the first time in my life, I really felt like I belonged. Be it talking about the vidya with Lewis, Stupid shit with Nick, or nice things with Naomi, things were pretty good. It was about this time aswell that one of the defining points on how I ended up like I am arose.

World of Warcraft. Oh WoW, you bitch. I could stop sucking your wonderful, wonderful milk, if it wasn't so deliciously sweet.

I enjoyed World of Warcraft. It was good. I could completely immersify myself in it for hours on end, and feel like I accomplished something, even if it was just a grindfest for hours on end. Through this, I became more introverted. I would call off going to parties to play it all night long. Do I regret it?

Yes and No

It was at one of those pivotal moments in my life where I think I was meant to be, again, going out and meeting girls and drinking them brews, 'cause that's what a growing teen is meant to do right? The end of college is now. I see everyone on my last day. My fucking brilliant tutors, Caroline and Lance. They really got me through college, and I appreciate everything they did for me. Even if I was a dick. We all swore to stay in touch, my friends and I. We already had each other on MSN messenger and things, and phone numbers, so I didn't think it would be so hard to do this. It was. After the first few weeks, I realised a dwindling number of people would talk to me frequently. I still spoke to Lewis, and occasionally Hana, but I never kept in touch with everyone I wanted to.

To be honest, I don't really care now. I'm beyond that point of trying to keep in touch with people who can't be bothered. I have the friends I have, and I'm fine with them

Fast forward to University: Year 1.

Act 4: Intervals

University was different. This was the point where I thought, "Right, I never do anything with real people, so I guess this will be the point where I get out there and make contacts." I met my flatmates, and they were......average, with the exception of a wonderful young lady named Helen. I still talk to her now. She is super nice. I would occasionally go "Out" with these people, but with living alone, comes a very real and very frightening concept. I didn't HAVE to do anything I didn't want to. This was where things get really fucked up. Depression came to an all time high. This isn't very well known, but my anxiety got the worst it has ever been. There were days where I couldn't leave the flat. Not through lack of trying, I just couldn't do it. It's hard to explain, but those of you who have been through what I have know exactly what I mean. You just can't bring yourself to see the outside world. Months passed, I got worse. You know how this story ends. I cry myself to sleep at night on my plastic fucking bed, and wonder where I went wrong. I failed the year, and summer began. And oh man, did it begin....

Act 5: Razors edge.

This is going to be a short exert, because it is something I don't like to talk about. Those of you who know me very well, know exactly what happened over the summer. The triangle between myself, Joe and Terese. It didn't end nicely, and I don't want to have to think about it again, it was one of the worst times in my life, and I want to thank the following people for getting me by

-Claire. For always being there when I needed it the most. Hopefully I helped you out too.

-Jamie. Fuck you. But thanks for making things clear.

-Chris. For.......everything. Being a fellow sufferer, you knew exactly how I felt, and what to say. Thanks for everything.

The Climax: Art of Life.

We come to now. How am I? Fucking brilliant. I am back at University, with more ideas than ever before. Studying a lot has made me keen, sharp and ready to take everything I want. I suppose, yeah, I still don't really have any friends, and I'm still alone, but I have come to terms with it. Actually, I lie. I have made a friend at University. Her name is Penny, and I won't embarass her here with a load of nonsense. She is my only friend at University, and she is super rad. Especially when we discuss the semantics of Zombies for an hour( RAGE VIRUS!)

When I look back, It's been a long, strange journey(10 achievement points). Be it the nonmentioned 5 year romance with a girl from down South, my crippling depression, strong as hell medication, OBSESSION over Summer with a Swede, the fact Chris Barry is fucking AWESOME, or the fact I talk to someone at University now, I guess things are good. I can't complain. Being lonely at night is still awful. Sometimes it gets to be too much, and I have to sort of step back and look in on myself. I hate leaving the house alone, and coming home. To be alone. Maybe in time it will get better, I will meet people, that someone. But I'm not going to hold out for it. I will take things as they come to me, and as I want them. And I'll be damned if I will let depression and anxiety stand in my way.

Fast forward to 5 hours ago.

I have just come home from Anime society at university, it was nice. I came home when it was pitch black at 9pm, and found my dinner in the microwave. I heated up my burger, brought it upstairs, and fired up my PC. Sat here warmed my the glowing light off my monitor, I feel happy, placated. Almost ....content. It's funny how things come full circle isn't it?

Regards,
Carl

Even though I am no better than a beast, don't I have the right to live?

Servers down.

Cry, I want to go and get my Haloween stuff

Y u do dis D:

Yeah

I will still be mainly writing for Meleeattack, but this is just a personal thing, a daily diary sort of pansy bullshit thing.

Chris Barry is awesome though, look how he resists the boobies.




Anyone who questions his awesomeness, is a Jew or a Nazi.


I love you man.