Where a hero falls, A legend will rise.

It's coming

2009-10-09T18:55:00.000-07:00

Watch this space

Also

2009-09-17T04:52:00.000-07:00

Also, /a/ is 'dere :3

:O

2009-09-17T04:50:00.001-07:00

This is gonna be the best year since griffball

this is why university is awesome/terrible

2009-09-07T15:47:00.000-07:00

girls:

Take for example, the average girl. She's just finished college, and she's excited to go to university. Job prospects, learning, and meeting new friends are the talk of the town, amongst her family and friends!

University rolls around. The girl thinks she should at least check out freshers fair. From there, it's a whirlwind of free stuff, flyers for drinks, and other such oddities. After a month, she thinks it's fine to go out 3/4 nights a week, get "Wasted" and take going out over studying.

It's 2 months later. Every time you log onto facebook, it's an endless stream of pictures of her, as she slowly loses her dignity, and she becomes the stereotype of what students are. She realises only too late that not only has she squandered her money, but also her prospects of a first.

I like this, because it makes me feel good about myself

guys:

Much of the same, only in a different regard. Admittedly, when university starts, there's a lot of attractive people in your class, and you're clearly pining for 1. Because people at university are for all intents and purposes, children, they still want the stupidest things. Are you willing to change yourself to pick up some tramp in a nightclub?

Eg: getting 'dressed up' and spending an upward of £40 a night on trying to pick up a single girl. get the fuck out. for one, you look like an idiot. second of all, she only uses you for free liqour. Which is more embarassing. I had more to say about this, but I forgot already, so whatever.

actually, something has come to mind. there's a guy I see frequently on facebook.

This guy looks like the sorriest sack of shit i've ever seen. everything he lists is the worst shit.

his interests are, but not limited to:

Facebook
Drinking
Taking Loads Of Pictures
Being There When His Friends Need Him The Most
i.e. Being A Good Friend

I mean come on? Your interest is FACEBOOK and TAKING PICTURES? I fucking hate the concept of "taking pictures". You were there, and you lived it, why would you need to take a static shot that you'll look at maybe once and go "Yeah I look like a twat"

Plus, he appears to be some desperate excuse of...whatever

(Hahahah I used an elipsis)(And I don't think I can spell it tonight)

on liqour, money and general student life-

I'm so far removed from this, so it'll be a short analysis/braindump/laughfest.

It seems that in university, to be cool, you need to be able to spend money like an eccentric, mostly on liqour. Not that I don't like alcohol. I think it's great, and it leads to terrific moments (Except when I threw up all over zaks house, that was gross). But, much like in high school, it seems to be needed as somewhat of a catalyst for entertainment. Back in school, I recall that the "cool kids" (Read: faggots with no personality) went "Up the hill" to get lashed/wasted/. Every so often I would go, but only to be sorely dissapointed, wait till someone wanted to go home, and walk them back, because I wanted to go to bed. University seems to be much of the same. Admittedly, people seem to think that because they're old enough to buy their own liqour now, it entitles them to become impervious to looking like a complete twat when you fuck a random dude in an alley/makeout with a guy after you threw up/a brief mix of all of the above( I don't think I'm allowed to put of twice like that, it seems like a weird sentence conjugation?). People don't think better of you for that. Furthermore, I have rolled around on the aspect of cameras. classmates seem to drink so much that they NEED to have pictures to remember where all their money went the previous night.

It may have been the BEST NIGHT EVER, so they need evidence that it happened(?!)

Furthrmore, student living looks like a pile of moldy cocks. "Oh yeah, ya know, I moved in so I could have independance and meet people!"

This doesn't seem to be accurate, to the most part. I suppose some people have a taste for noodles/pasta and shitty kebab meat. I'm not one for spending all of my money just to "live out". Then again, I live so close to university that it's stupid for me to pay an extortionate amount just to eat shitty food. It's only 20 miles a day, and I'm usually a grand in the green, when my classmates are 800 into an overdraft. That's probably why they all look like death. Well, I suppose I do aswell, but that's because I don't sleep much. DOH HO VIDEO GAMES!

that's everything for now. Actually, as a final point, why do people need to point at people so much in photos? Yeah, we can SEE there's a poignant figure STANDING NEXT TO YOU, you don't need to point at it.

Someone fucking shoot me.

-carl

RE: FES

2009-08-29T05:16:00.001-07:00

At first, when I decided to start Persona 3 FES again, I was kinda like...

But then I heard "BABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABY"

I was like:

Goodbye 2 weeks!

たび　の　とちゅう

2009-08-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

どこ　まで　ゆこう　課きみ　と　ふたり　で。

Let me paint you a mind picture.

2009-07-25T08:59:00.001-07:00

First of all, set yourself in this mindset. Imagine if you will, waking up at 3pm. You actually wake up at 1pm to the noise from next door, but you're too lethargic to bang on the wall, or do anything else, so you just flip over and go back to bed. It's 3pm, and you're awake. From here, if you can comprehend, picture yourself peeking out of the curtains for a moment, realising it's too bright, and seeing people outside. Close the curtains and then open the window the smallest bit so that the lack of fresh air you get normally is somewhat minimised.

Now, if you can imagine sitting at a desk from 3pm till 9pm, doing nothing but watching cartoons, lamenting over social dynamics, or lack thereof, and anonymously posting on message boards.

From here, fall into the mindset of scrambling downstairs and looking through the freezer for some semblence of a meal to prepare for yourself.

"Too much effort"
"Takes too long"
"Too many vegetables"

After deciding on the most inane assortment of unhealthy and lacking food you can find, picture yourself taking it upstairs to wolf it down while being hunched over the same desk you've been sat at all day.

Fast forward to 4am.

The few people you can find the effort to talk to through relayed chat on instant messenger programs are all gone. Either they've gone to sleep, with their significant others. Went out to have fun with friends in real life. Or just felt like being up so late seemed like somewhat of a folly, and decided to hit the sack early. Pick one of the above, stick with it, and picture it.

It's at this point, you realise it's gotten dark outside.

You smile somewhat.

After realising that you wanted to go out for something to eat earlier, the voice in your head talked to you, and you listened. You can now comprehend the fact that you're just too scared to go outside. People will judge you silently. You're nervous to talk to people, because beyond either the facade you put up, your general interests are somewhat lacking in parallel to most regular folk.

Thankfully, it's the middle of the morning, and nobody is around. 24 hour shops are always open, and the bare minimum of interaction is required.

After you have grapsed this concept, imagine it's now 7am, and the suns rising.

With nothing you do, you go to bed alone.

The worst part? Knowing you have to do it all over again tomorrow. And every day.

Now. You've read all this, and if you've followed the instructions at the top, you've come up with a somewhat defineable and full "day".

CONGRATULATIONS. You've just visualized yourself in one of the days of my life.

Let me know how bad it feels.

Things will be fine.

2009-07-04T20:29:00.001-07:00

Trust me

o:

2009-06-29T18:34:00.001-07:00

Here's a foolproof way to make sure your rice tastes just like the stuff you get in Nippon (that's Japanese for Japan, lol xD)

First step is to cook the rice using sake, which is a type of rice wine so it tastes even more like rice!!!!! *squee*

Second step is to take a few boxes of pocky (for those of you who don't know, pocky is kinda like a frosting covered breadstick, they're very popular in Nippon, which is Japan in Japanese rofl ^_^) and you crush up a few of them and put it on the rice.

Next, put some sushi (that's raw fish wrapped in seaweed, although I don't like raw fish, it's icky, lol xD) on top of the rice, this will make it really authentic Japanese!

After you do this let the pocky-sushi-rice sit for a while, then put it in your pinku bento (pinku means pink in Nippon, and a bento is like a lunchbox with compartments ^-^). That way you can take it with you and eat it wherever you want! lmao

It usually tastes best if you it eat while reading manga (manga is like a Japanese comic book but you read it backwards, isn't that weird???? xD) or while watching anime on cartoon network!!!!

This is seriously the best tasting rice you can make! It is so kawaii!!!!!! *giggle*

Cya!!! ^_~

Making a note here-Huge Success

2009-06-23T03:49:00.000-07:00

Going to buy ingredients for delicious cake.

Watch this space

Welcome to the fantasy zone

2009-06-17T13:48:00.000-07:00

GET READY

On a side note, I love it when my life is this good.

Read: All the time.

Sucks to be you relationship fags.

"Scrubs"

2009-05-26T11:08:00.000-07:00

A scrub is a now generalized term used as a synonym for a "noob" or "newb," which is someone who is bad at a video game or activity in general.

Most of the definitions here, surprisingly, have nothing to do with the actual term. The original definition is related to a person who makes a mistake in a video game, which is such a bad mistake that it is clearly wrong, yet they persist in making it. The term derives from Street Fighter II, to describe some players that were so bad that they would mash their hands across the control pad, an act known as "scrubbing," because it relates to scrubbing a car or other object with a sponge. Thus they were deemed "scrubbers," or "scrubs" for short. Over time this term expanded throughout the gaming world, and then the real world, and lost its original meaning.

Game ideazzzzzz

2009-05-26T08:55:00.001-07:00

Things are played out.

2009-05-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

And by things, I mean everything. Seriously, if I hear the word "Epic" or "Fail" used as an adjective in real life, oh man. The irony is that I put word as opposed to words in relation to it being a plural.

Laffo.

MORE TO COME

Throw down your thoughts, and prepare to be JUDGED.

2009-05-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

Haha, awesome.

Anyway, in persona social link style, I will rank the lot of you over the next few days.

A short description, a number, with 1 being lowest and 10 being the highest.

Watch this space.

So long Gekkoukan.

2009-05-10T17:45:00.001-07:00

There is a lot I could say about the ending to Persona 3, but I am having a lot of trouble narrowing down how to start because it simply has so much good stuff packed into it. I guess I may as well just summarize a few thoughts I have had about it.

1) The set-up for the final battle and ending, including the final climb up Tartarus across January (which builds up the Judgement Social Link and unlocks the ultimate Persona), the last meeting between the SEES members in which they make the pledge to meet again even if they lose their memories, and the last battles against the members of Strega, is nearly flawless. I suppose the entire cult thing was pointless, but other than that the last month, with its severe change in tone and music, was very good.

2) The final battle was really dramatic and well-done. There was nowhere more appropriate for the final battle to take place than the top of Tartarus, and the final battleground set amidst dark clouds beneath the full moon was spectacular. The battle itself, involving the countdown of all of the Arcana used by the Shadows building up towards Nyx Avatar unleashing its true power, was also very dramatic and sufficiently impressive for a final battle.

3) The sudden revival of Nyx Avatar, the revelation of the true, monstrous Nyx within the moon, and the beginning of the end of the world were expected, but still very welcome twists to the game. After all, given all of the discussion over the past few months of the game of how Nyx was invincible, and the importance of the hopelessness of the heroes' battle to the game, the battle shouldn't be won that easily. No videogame with a story based around saving the world should finish before the end of the world is in full swing.

4) It is a cliche story twist that has been parodied time and again, but the whole "in the world's darkest hour, the hero gathers the power from his friends in order to gain new strength" idea is a logical and believable conclusion to the entire Social Link system, so it actually works rather well when it is used here. I like the fact that all of the Social Links that have been maxed out are referenced, I like the resulting, undefined ultimate Persona card (which is certainly The World card even if it is not called such), and most of all I like the fact that the elevator-shaped Velvet Room actually reaches its destination and opens its doors to the light for the first time, as if it is symbolically carrying the hero to his final battle and the conclusion of his story.

5) The scripted battle against the core of Nyx strikes a nice balance between dramatic elaboration and keeping things focused and to the point. I like the fact that the enemy's ultimate attack goes from nearly killing the hero to be completely ineffective against him as the power of his allies surges into him. Also, the fact that the Great Seal move uses up all of the hero's HP is an important detail that properly foreshadows how the game ends.

I was really expecting the ending to conclude shortly after the battle against Nyx, but I was rather pleasantly surprised to see that the ending had only really just started by that point. The hero returns from his battle, the world is saved, and time jumps forward to a month later at the beginning of March, where the parts of the ending I really want to talk about take place.

In a moment of great parallel between the two endings, the next part of the ending starts out exactly the same way as the "Kill Ryoji" ending began, with everyone having lost their memories and continuing on with their lives, speaking about fellow members of SEES as if they were total strangers. However, instead of ending the sequence there and jumping to three days later like it happened in the other ending, here it continues on to the rest of the day that follows, and control is given back to the player as if it were a normal day like any other in the game. This phase is the best part of the whole ending. At this time, the player is free to explore the town, and in doing so can see special scenes for every Social Link at the maximum level that give an epilogue for each story and subplot, as well as scenes involving other members of SEES that show that they have not completely forgotten the bond they share and the things that have changed their lives. It begins just like it did in the "Kill Ryoji" ending, but the freedom that comes afterwards is such a significant divergence from the other ending that it makes it feel like something completely different.

After a few days of being free to see Social Link epilogues, it reaches Graduation Day, the day which both marked the end of the "Kill Ryoji" ending and was decided to be the day in which the characters would meet again even if they lose their memories. Whether it was that promise or just the fact that the SEES Social Link would have maxed out (and thus become unbreakable) twice over between the time Ryoji asks for a decision and the final battle, it is clear that the continuing memory loss would actually be broken in this ending, and when Aigis approaches the hero at the beginning of this day speaking as if the hero's memory has returned (or was never really lost at all), that divergence from the bad ending is confirmed. The final sequence in which Mitsuru slowly gets her memory back in the middle of the same speech she was making in the "Kill Ryoji" ending is almost magical with how effective it is in reversing the tragedy of the heroes' lost memory in the bad ending, but in a odd way that reversal is reflected by another reversal: instead of going out with his friends to sing karaoke, the hero rests his head on Aigis's lap, and slowly closes his eyes...

In a way, there is really no other way that Persona 3 could have ended other than with the hero's death. Much like the idea of the Hero's Journey and the concept of the tarot, the entire story of Persona 3 is essentially a giant metaphor for a person's life. Even more clearly, the hero was bound to Ryoji, an incarnation of Death itself, and was haunted by Thanatos from the very beginning. The hero was given the contract by Death under which he was supposed to assume responsibility for his own actions, and was promised a single year within the game. Because of all of these, I was certainly expecting the hero to die, but I was surprised and impressed at both the fact that the game designers actually went and made it happen, and the way in which it happened. The common, cliche way such things usually happen in stories is that the hero sacrifices himself in the final moment and never returns home, but in this game he does return from his battle with Nyx and lives long enough to enjoy that time and see the happy result of his struggle. Most notably, the way the hero goes is incredibly peaceful and joyful. The hero simply lays his head on Aigis's lap while listening to the sounds of his friends coming to meet him again, and closes his eyes as if for a nap. rather than a tragedy, the hero's death is portrayed as a long-awaited, well-deserved rest. If it were not for a large array of subtle foreshadowing and the oddly sad tone in Aigis's voice as she talks to the hero, it would be impossible to guess that he had even died. Honestly, more than anything else I consider it to be a beautiful ending.

Battle Royale: The movie-The game-The mmo. (Title in progress)

2009-05-09T05:53:00.000-07:00

It's a 32 player online multiplayer FPS. 32 players join a lobby and after a brief cutscene showing their characters arriving on the island and potentially the short tutorial video (like the movie) on how the island works. Next, all players are sent out of the school one by one with their randomly generated backpacks and are set free to wander around the island and get on with the buisness of killing eachother

Game ideas:
Randomly generated vehicles:
Some small vehicles are available like motorbikes or quadbikes. Players will have to scavenge items in order to repair them however. In the interest of balance, players will sacrafice stealth for transportation

Custom characters:
Not exactly revolutionary, but seeing the opening cutscene in the school with your person in between a class of 31 others would be pretty cool

'Exchange students':
Like in the film, the exchange students are present. These could either be computer controlled which is less fun, or two random players can take control of them. Exchange students can have a few perks like more ammo, faster running etc

Customizable timeframe:
The real Battle Royale takes place over 3 days. Players can set how this timescale works at the start of a match. It can range from anything like 3 real life days (tournament mode) to 15 minutes:6 hours or even 5 mins:6 hours for quick games

Backpacks:
Strategy will heavily rely on what weapon you start with. You got a gun? Do you camp outside the school and mow down as many students as you can before your ammo runs out? You got a frying pan? I guess you can cook breakfast (health). Maybe the other students won't want to kill you so much

Realistic wounds:
Take a shot to the leg? Movement is slowed. Took a shot to the arm? Can't use weapons anymore

Spectator mode:
When a player dies, offer them the oppurtunity to watch the rest of the game unfold in a TV-like spectator mode. Afterall, BR is a tv show

Any other ideas? I think this could actually be good if done right. Also, I like the idea of cooking breakfast in an FPS.

iluvgirlswithglasses

You fall in love, you lose.

2009-04-29T04:18:00.001-07:00

I lost.

I was a healer once.

2009-04-13T03:45:00.001-07:00

In a lot of ways, being a healer is a lot like being a parent. You follow an ungrateful, squabbling mass of people throughout their lives, picking them up when they fall down, healing them when they get hurt, and telling them they'll be alright.

They love you, they hate you. They blame you for their mistakes, and take credit for your hard work. They bitch, argue, fight and complain. But you're with them every step of the way. Every insult is ignored, every personal attack is deflected

Why?

Because they're your family. Through thick and thin. better or worse, they're yours. They are your responsiblity, your party. And when the dust settles, the loot is ninja'd, the chat fills with "gg" and everyone logs off, you're alone again.

And you know you did your job, and you did it well. You didn't falter, didn't give up. And long after the party has moved on or forgotten you, you'll be doing the same thing, day after day after day. Because your family needs you, no matter who your family is for that day.

So long Inaba.

2009-04-04T03:05:00.000-07:00

Blog post forthcoming once I get over it.

2009-03-25T03:54:00.000-07:00

こにちわ。　わたし　の　なまえ　わ　カル　です。　わたし　わ　２０　さい　です。

わたし　は　MMU　の　がすけい　です。　そして　にひんご　お　べんきょ　しています　です。

わたし　は　ベリ　に　すみます。　わたし　は　まいにち　でんしゃ　だ　いきます。

マヌチェスタ　わ　たかい　です　そして　おきい　です。

だいがく　わ　むずかし　そして　たのしい　です。

わたし　は　アメリカ　に　かがく　べんきょ　してました　が　わたし　は　さびしい　です。

わたし　は　まいにち　くだもの　そして　さかな　たべます。

わたし　は　まいあす　しんぶん　よにます。

わたし　わ　あにめ　が　すき　です。

これ　わ　がるふれんど　なまえ　わ　ォラ　です。　ォラ　さん　わ　マヌチェスタ　だいがく　の　がすけい　です。　ォラ　わ　かわいい　そして　やさしい　です。

！！
に

Persona 4 makes everything about me hurt.

2009-03-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

I started playing Persona 4 last night. This is the best/craziest game I have played this year. Words can't really describe it, but I'll try Giantbomb on Personas:

"Manifestations of a person's inner "self" or psyche. They can also be described as a character's alter ego or their shadow personality. These entities appear as famous and legendary characters in the world of mythology. Tremendous power hidden within each one."

Me on Personas:

Koda, you were the happy dream in a life that's been nothing but a hellish nightmare. says (16:05):
It's just good
but the fusion
oh god
right
you collect persona cards
to summon different ones
but then you can FUSE them into more powerful ones
like...
angel and uzobach into a giant horse thing
Koda, you were the happy dream in a life that's been nothing but a hellish nightmare. says (16:06):
but then you can TRIANGLE fuse
but every time you fuse they get different abilties
and then if its on the right day you get bonus exp
and if you have the correct SOCIAL links it gets more exp
and then I cry in a corner

More descriptions from me:

>Like I wanted to go and dungeon crawl
but then someone wants me to go out for steak
and im like
I CANT NOT DO STEAK
BUT I ONLY HAVE 4 DAYS UNTIL YUKIKO DIES
Koda, you were the happy dream in a life that's been nothing but a hellish nightmare. says (16:03):
WAIT THE WEATHER IS SUNNY SO ITS RAINY IN THE TV WORLD
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What did I do last night on P4?

Started the game last night, and burnt 6 hours which flew by. Key points:

Nanako singing "Every days great at your junes"
Yosuke: "Arghhh, critcal hit in the nads"
Kou: "Haha, I LOVE THEM BALLS"
Funky Student: "Let me hit you up with another mind riddle ma' brotha'"
Teddy:" Fo'sho"

Basically, this is an awesome game, which I can't recommend enough. Awesome music, it's a hell cheap game and the concepts are great.

Oh, and basically, you can only do a number of things a day. You get a question at school in an attempt ro raise your intellect, then "After school" begins. From here you can either
>Do a dungeon crawl
>Do an after school soccer practise
>Do an after school band practise
>Spend time with someone to raise your social link
>Do part time work
>Use a capsule machine
>Eat tofu

Then it gets to "Evening" which is weird. You can either read a book to incease a stat, sleep and get a random chance to incease social links or....watch the midnight channel.

The best dream so far?
"You dreamt you had a dream where you and Chie wrestled in Luchador masks. You feel closer to Chie, the friendship deepened"

More to follow as I play daily.

SF4 IS SO AWESOME.

2009-02-28T18:47:00.000-08:00

PREPARE TO WITNESS THE SAIKYO LEGEND.

Goodnight sweet prince.

2009-02-21T18:35:00.000-08:00

We sure have been places.

But now it's over

See you, space cowboy.

Inspiration is awesome.

2009-02-17T13:59:00.001-08:00

After talking to a friend just now, I feel inspired to write something, and I guess it's about University

ENGAGE:

So, backstory. Many of you know this is my second year at university, because essentially, I derailed, had an emotional breakdown, and failed my first year. This attributed to, but isn't limited to my horrifying anxiety attacks and the fact that...well I had intense depression during university. I lived on my own, as most people do, but didn't embrace "That student life". I didn't really click with anyone on my course on a mental level, nevermind an intellectual one. Very quickly, I became lethargic, and anxiety got the better of me, as I stopped going in. I know now that this was a bad move, but those of you who have had these "problems", know how hard it can be.

This was a series of characteristics that many times in my life I would look back on in bewilderment and the women I sought after would be nothing like this. In the pain of youth, the misery of my neglect, would manifest itself in many ways; depression - my enemy, fear - my friend, hatred - my lover, and anger - fuel for my fire. These four characteristics of my personality would become the guiding force of my life and would control everything I did or was to become. I shall explain later in the story about them.

Over the summer holidays, despite the fact I worked a lot at a Flower shop, I also had a more underlaying plan. This was to curb my emotions and learn to control how I feel a lot easier. The whole fiasco, basically the Terese saga, which hell, you know about now. Or if you don't- I fell in love with her, and she sort of told me at 4am one night she was with my best friend. Anxiety+Depression+Haloperidol as meds=Not healthy

Regardless, working at the flower shop gave me a lot of personal time to think about my life, and where I was going I suppose. I was relatively mentally unhealthy, this was apparent. In the 8 hours I would work a day, tending to flowers, in the hot summer sun gave me a chance to reflect on myself. At times it became a chilling reflection of my own wretchedness, and my desire to want more.

I soon found out that the only way to TRULY express myself was with my writing, It was a way to vent all my frustrations and all my pain - completely opened all my Four Doors . I know I can write relatively well, good lexis and pragmatical structure. The usual. Regardless, I re-enrolled at university for the year starting 2008. When I got back, I encouraged myself a lot more than I thought was possible. Getting over the Terese thing was hard, some wounds never heal. When you don't have many, if any friends, it becomes hard to truly open yourself to a person, and with this, I didn't know how to react at the end of it. But Hell, adversity makes you stronger, right?

Being back at University became quite the change for me I guess. The lethargy faded, and I became inspired to learn. I don't know what it was, but I felt like I could make it happen. Despite the fact that hardly any people come into lectures and seminars, I don't really care. There's at least one person who challenged and engages me on an intellectual level, being a very clever gentleman, and constantly "Fuelling me on" as it were, with his ideas.

I guess this is enough writing for now. I enjoyed it, writing is fun, and a way to express myself in a way I can't do in a normal setting. Check back soon for..more things.

So long, space cowboys.

Social.

2009-01-31T12:55:00.000-08:00

You're told you're social all your life. Humans are social creatures.. Is this the reason we all cling to this notion of social 'normality' in such a way? Can we really not be happy just..being as we are?

Well, no, we can't. Because of comparison.

I always compare myself to images, or pictures, or fucking ideas of fun, and people portrayed as 'party animals' or those who 'live life to the fullest! Yeah! Hi-5!"

Good for you faggot, you bungee jump.

These seconds and minutes continue to pass me by. Hours, even. One more second I spend in my room alone is no less valid a second than any other, or anyone else's.

I know how futile it'd be to interact, because all you have is a face and a voice...is that really enough to trust, to love?

It's logically doubtful, but still we hope. I hope. Why..?

We not only cling to normality, but as a result, reality. This plane of existence isn't any less valid than seconds spent dreaming, but we still love coming back here, to pay our taxes and call Dubai to sort out our bill discrepancies.

Eventually, other people, and my lack of capacity to speak to them won't matter. Nothing will. I birthed this universe by being born, and it'll die with me, to me.

All is a matter of interpretation. Loneliness taught me this, and I believe it'll one day be the ultimate strength.

Why don't girls wear dresses anymore?

2009-01-25T10:52:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure I understand the point of sexual liberation in terms of you don't HAVE to wear a skirt, if you're going to end up following whatever trend is in your area anyway, short shorts or jeans.

This is something that annoys me greatly. Girls don't dress "pretty" anymore, they either dress like lazy tomboys or skanks.

I don't like that I'm supposed to be happy about this either. Dresses are easy to put on - all you need is underwear, and you can shove the dress on in one go. It's much easier than buttoning or zipping up tight jeans, etc. If they wanted maximum comfort, looser slightly baggy pants would work better than jeans.

Which gets me, because not only are girls dressing more boring, they outright lie if you question. Jeans and tight tops can not conceptually be more comfortable or easier to put on than a dress. With a dress your legs have a lot more freedom.

Goth girls and hippie girls who are two of the last types to actually wear anything pretty, are being replaced by these tacky emo and "scene" bitches.

I'm just tired of this. I think it's just a visual representation of how "Unpretty" our society has become over the last decade especially.

I don't have a problem with girls that are genuinely tomboys or genuinely don't care about what they wear, but the fact is they're still "dressing up", just in the most mainstream washed out clothes and horrid makeup and fake tan.

Chances are you're only dressing accord to some stupid fashion trend whether you realise it or not.

A story

2009-01-22T14:28:00.000-08:00

There once was a tiger-striped cat. This cat died a million deaths, revived & lived a million lives, and he was owned by various people who he really didn't care for. The cat wasn't afraid to die. Then one day the cat became a stray cat which meant he was free. He met a white female cat & the two of them spent their days together happily. Well, years passed & the white cat grew weak & died of old age. The tiger-striped cat cried a million times, & then he died too. Except this time, he didn't come back to life.

A tribute

2009-01-19T13:45:00.000-08:00

To Chris.

On Women:

Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:43):
Man I wish she was a door, So I could slam her all night
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:43):
Whats great is that she looks unhappy
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:43):
which means that shes not happy
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:44):
which means that anything you do
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:44):
Will make a girl like that
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:44):
Happy
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:44):
You cant loose
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:44):
and if they get angry, You act like some abusive father, smack her and threaten her and she'll stick around

On Insurance:

Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:27):
well the bristles on car washes are normally soft and brush the car gently
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:28):
the ones for morrison were solid plastic
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:28):
and it sounded like it was flailing my car
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:28):
I felt like jesus
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:28):
Scruffed all the paintwork
carl- Remember this: "Be it a rock or a grain of sand, in water they sink as the same." says (21:28):
what did you do
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:28):
Puffed my chest out, Went in there, Told them that this shit was not on, Parked my car in the carwash so no one else could get in
carl- Remember this: "Be it a rock or a grain of sand, in water they sink as the same." says (21:29):
LOL
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:29):
They brought some insurance forms out and shizzle, I gotta write to morrisons insurance company to get it sorted
carl- Remember this: "Be it a rock or a grain of sand, in water they sink as the same." says (21:29):

carl- Remember this: "Be it a rock or a grain of sand, in water they sink as the same." says (21:29):
I would have done the same
carl- Remember this: "Be it a rock or a grain of sand, in water they sink as the same." says (21:29):
but instead of talking to them
carl- Remember this: "Be it a rock or a grain of sand, in water they sink as the same." says (21:29):
just walked into morrisons
carl- Remember this: "Be it a rock or a grain of sand, in water they sink as the same." says (21:29):
put on my ray ban sunglasses
carl- Remember this: "Be it a rock or a grain of sand, in water they sink as the same." says (21:29):
and just started punching people

On burglary:

Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:47):
Take my yoda lightsaber that I've just bought, and beat him to death
Chris Represents the Church Rave Cross-over says (21:47):
Or I stand there with an extra large kitchen knife. Claiming there can only be one

He is just a bad motherfucker. Deal.

"Games are for idiots"

2009-01-15T00:40:00.001-08:00

I'd like to see any of you have the skill and steady hand to beat this.

The Horstachio

2009-01-09T00:13:00.000-08:00

You will bask in his glory.

Uni starts soon

2009-01-08T11:29:00.001-08:00

And the day will start the same

The end is nigh, bring bacon.

2009-01-07T02:36:00.000-08:00

Update pending.

;-;

2008-12-26T21:05:00.001-08:00

Maybe fifteen, twenty, twenty five years ago, your parents had a child. They had hopes and dreams and aspirations for this child. Maybe your father wanted to see you take interest in the family business. Your mother wondered what kind of girls you'd grow up to date. What your first kiss would be like, and if you'd confide in her all of your girl troubles. Maybe your dad had hopes you'd be famous. A strong ball player, the only guy in town that was stronger than his pa'. They hoped that one day you'd find a nice girl and settle down with her, start a family, and give them grandkids. They hoped you'd take care of them in their old age.

But none of that will ever happen. You know why. One day, your mom or dad got you a Nintendo for Christmas, or your birthday, or just decided to surprise you with it. They thought it would be kind of cool, and of course, you were excited, and it made them happy to see you smile. You started to take a noted interest in video games, and as time went on, you became gradually less and less interested in the outside world. In grade school, you got a Super Nintendo, or maybe a Genesis. Your parents were very excited when you told them you'd started writing stories, but when you showed them your 10-year-old fanfiction of Super Mario or Sonic, they looked at one another in disgust.

Time wore on, consoles came and went with each generation, and it soon seemed you had more of those than you did friends. Of course you did have your little gamer clique that got together after school and swapped Pokemon, maybe even talked about the secret 121st star in Super Mario 64 or how to get to the lighthouse on the Dam level in Goldeneye. The years wore on, and you even started to wear 'gamer' clothing, T-shirts advertising Metal Gear Solid 2, a Mario mushroom hat, etc. Your parents at this time, have started to realize you will never be a normal child. You are a gamer.

Today, you have overstayed your parents' welcome at your house. You are 21 or older, and do not have a job. You probably never have, or if so, haven't kept one for long. You've never had a girlfriend, and your whole family knows that. That also means you've never been laid. But the sadder thing, the one they don't really think about, but you do, is that you've never even had a girl kiss you. This thought keeps you up at night, sometimes, long after you've closed Firefox and are laying beneath the covers with your DS or PSP. Sometimes, its enough to make you cry.

Bionic Commando is better than your face.

2008-12-03T12:05:00.000-08:00

For those of you who know me well, you should be aware of my Inane love for BC:Rearmed...and any Capcom "Classic" franchise.

Just buy BC: Rearmed, you really have no excuse. It's like classic, only more RAD!

Soon enough, I will write about why Capcom is the greatest company ever, but let's take a look at some kick ass Capcom stuff.

If this SF2HD Video doesn't excite you, then go to hell

THE END.

Wow

2008-11-25T00:51:00.001-08:00

This is a placeholder

2008-11-24T03:35:00.000-08:00

At uni, so can't do either of my "Wow dailys" or "Week in gaming" blogs.

Will do them both when I get home. And get to level 73.Word

Please enjoy this while I slack off and I am still completely buzzed on energy drinks.

Edit: I just played Geo wars retro evolved 2 on DS till my fingers bled. A lot. Feels bad man. Pics of bleeding thumbs to be uploaded tonight when I have a fucking USB port available. I mean a PC in the library with no USB ports on it. Seriously?

Northrend, druids and wooden gear: Day 1

2008-11-21T23:24:00.000-08:00

Greetings friends. Yesterday was my first real step into Wrath of the Lich King, the latest World of Warcraft expansion. Shits pretty fun actually. If a picture speaks a thousand words, enjoy the works of Shakespeare.

Northrend starts here

Boats :D

Draw distance is fucking amazing, as are the areas.

Well it's 8am now friends. Time to go grill the SHIT out of some bacon, fire up a pot of joe, and get back into it. It's like indoctrination of my soul. But I love it so much.

PEACE OUT YALL

See you all in January !!

2008-11-21T08:18:00.000-08:00

Wrath of the Lich king is here.

See you all in the summer!

Welcome to the fantasy zone! GET READY!

2008-11-17T07:12:00.000-08:00

This is a rundown of the week. Enjoy

What have I been playing:

Strider-Sega

This game is awesome, if you haven't played it, go to hell. Basically you play...a dude with a giant Tonfa (Nightstick)...but it actually shoots out a giant blade which slices dudes in half. Shit's so cash. DID I MENTION THAT YOU ARRIVE IN SOVIET RUSSIA ON A HANG GLIDER FOR THE FIRST LEVEL? This game kicks so much ass, It's hard to even begin explaining how great it is.

Is it the music? Yes

Is it the blade? Yes

Is it the fact that for the first boss you fight a wrestler....then the entire Russian senate who turn into a giant robot wielding a hammer and sickle? FUCK YES

Everything about this game is excellent. Download it now. And look at the cover. Classic box art kicks ass.

Red Alert 3-PC

Not really much to say about Red Alert 3 really. If you are remotely into PC gaming at all, chances are that you have heard about the Command and Conquer series. This pretty much delivers on what the previous RA games did, but better. Do I like the blonde Tanya? No. No thank you sir. I prefer the red headed, "Shake it baby" classic Tanya that "Had a present for ya". Saying that, it's still cool. I don't know what the best part about this game is really, it really is greater than the sum of its parts. Basically, Soviet Russia (I feel a theme coming on here) decide to go back in time and assassinate Albert Einstein, which the premier does in awesome fashion. Oh and he's played by TIM CURRY, the worlds best voice actor after David Hayter( METAL GEAR?!). And you fight "The empire of the rising sun"-See: Japan. But not just typical Japan.....well, as typical as fighting Samurai soldiers, giant flying gundam mechas and a flying schoolgirl that rips apart tanks with her mind. Okay scratch that, it's TOTALLY typical Japan.

Final thought on Red Alert 2: Paratrooping armored war bears. Never did I think I would be putting that series of words together. But I'm pleased I did.

World of Warcraft: PC

No comment. Grindan, magican, farmen. The usual.

Barnyard Blast: DS

This game totally took me by surprise. I downloaded it because it was something about a pig. Which is cool. What it turned out to be is...something quite special. Basically, your son "Cliffy B" gets kidnapped at the start of the game when he is out searching a castle for treasure. Already great. As you leave the house, your wife stops you...to remind you to pick up some bread. Upon which she says "It isn't safe to go alone, take this", and gives you a whip. And a shotgun. And dynamite. AND a pistol. Wait maybe I didn't put them in order of how good they are. Whatever. This is a game quite akin to the Castlevania games, as can probably be guessed from the playstyle mentioned. But it's so delicously packed with humor and self referencial, and that's why it's great. After I defeated the first boss, I was rewarded with CONGRATULATIONS in big glowing text. Feels good man. Oh and then my guy goes "For great justice".

Fucking awesome.

I suppose that's it for the vidya. Other great things this week include, but are not limited to:

-Eating awesome burgers

-The semantics of zombies, post apocolyptic dogs, and Nazis invading the U.K

-Watching more Death Note

-Animé society, which is always a lark. Good people, good animé, good times. (FREDDIE!)

Noteable film:Hulk 2008

Watched the new Hulk film today. Shit rocked. GREAT story, they should make it into like, a comic or something. As much as it pisses me off to hear everybody say "Oh Edward Norton should be X role" because they saw him in Fight Club, think they can relate, and they are now a new radical, I actually agree for this. Not that I hate Edward Norton, he's top. Just people think he should be everything ever. He also has a great beard in this film. Oh, and when he gets purple stretchy pants? Brilliant.

The best part for me was probably the ending, just because he says "HULK SMASH". That was sweet. Because Hulk DOES smash, with extreme prejudice.

Well, until next week, keep it real, and be safe friends. Here's some Delicious Von Karma for you.

Max Payne awaits!

Thought.

2008-11-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

Rasty says:
Hahaha.
Rasty says:
Talking to people about getting fucked is alright man.
Rasty says:
But you need to keep it real.
Rasty says:
And yeah, you're right. There's more important things.
I say:
Word up
I say:
thats an authentic statement right there
I say:
It's just like
I say:
I'm here to better myself ya know?
I say:
Broaden my horizons
I say:
Interact and debate in a full manner
I say:
Bounce theoretics and concepts off people
I say:
And learn
I say:
But that just aint so brother
I say:
Am I wrong for dreaming such?
I say:
What are these fevered dreams I so desperately cling to
Rasty says:
Not wrong at all man.
Rasty says:
Find another crowd.
Rasty says:
They're there.
I say:
That be true friend
I say:
Oh snap
I say:
Talking to you
I say:
has just reminded me I want to get a descartes book out
Rasty says:
Do it man.
I say:
Any recommendations?
Rasty says:
Meditations is amazing.
Rasty says:
Haha.
Rasty says:
Great minds.
I say:
Hahah
I say:
Well
I say:
Im coming to a close with analysis of mind
I say:
by russell
I say:
just read
I say:
hmm what was it
I say:
I forget
I say:
a socrates book
I say:
All choamsky is currently ouy
I say:
out
I say:
so its either descartes or dosteovsky(spelling)
Rasty says:
oooh.
Rasty says:
Both are good.
Rasty says:
Descartes is harder but I reckon you'll enjoy it more.
I say:
I say:
I was reading analysis of mind in class
I say:
like, I aarrive 40 mins early
I say:
just to calm and centre myself
I say:
and a guy comes in
I say:
"Why are you READING before we have to"
I say:
I ddnt know how to reply
Rasty says:
Haha.
Rasty says:
Man.
Rasty says:
Try relate to them.
Rasty says:
What did this guy look like he enjoyed?
I say:
Not pulling his pants up, and wearing clothes not dissimilar to a palistinian even though he was fucking white
Rasty says:
Hahaha.
Rasty says:
Seem political at all?
Rasty says:
Clubber? Reader? Gamer?
I say:
Fashionwise, yes
I say:
But in terms of ideologies?
I say:
Probably not so
I say:
He wore the trendy sort of fashionista bullshit
I say:
but if I were to ask him how he felt about modern thinking
I say:
If he has ever stopped and took a look around
I say:
Took in the lights and sounds
I say:
Probably would have tried to punch me
Rasty says:
Haha.
Rasty says:
Man.
Rasty says:
Would you say you're pretty misanthropic?
I say:
Unfortunately so brother
I say:
Bad experiences with people made me jaded and a misnthrope
Rasty says:
That's fair enough.
Rasty says:
But.
Rasty says:
The way I see it.
Rasty says:
Hmm.
Rasty says:
I really doubt you think people are born, say, intelligent, or stupid, with one personality or another, right?
I say:
Correct
I say:
I think our culture and society warps people into fake, horrible people
Rasty says:
(h5)
Rasty says:
But what does the existence of people like ourselves suggest?
I say:
There are a few people who fight the power, not wishing to settle for what our saturated media try to indoctinate us with, and wonder "What if?"
Rasty says:
If people like that exist, does it not suggest that the media is not, in fact, invincible?
Rasty says:
Does it not suggest we can take the lies and propaganda, dissamble them, and attempt to ascertain the truth of the matter?
I say:
Yes
I say:
But only to an extent
I say:
Unless we are THERE in person
I say:
Who's to say what gets reported is factual?
I say:
Sure
I say:
They show us the news and such
I say:
But who's to say it isn't constructed by a very niche hegemony, who only want to show us "Their perfect world"
Rasty says:
I say it is. But you're right.
I say:
You and I both know the media is run by a very small board of "Higher ups"
I say:
Who arent right AT ALL
I say:
They were just born with a silver fuckin' spoon
I say:
People like you and I?
I say:
We aren't satisfied with the....
I say:
What would be the correct wording here
I say:
Hah
I say:
I guess something to the effect of
Rasty says:
Status quo?
I say:
"Initial aesthetic of contemporary life"
Rasty says:
Ah.
Rasty says:
Man.
Rasty says:
That we exist, proves that we can break the mould.
Rasty says:
Well, all of a sudden, the indocrinated sheep who seem to be like our enemy.
Rasty says:
Well, they're brothers, sisters, allies waiting to have their eyes open.
Rasty says:
Treat them well man, they're just trying to live. And challenge their opinions.
Rasty says:
At least, that's what I figure ought to be our job.
Rasty says:
Maybe I'm wrong.
I say:
At times
I say:
I thank whatever higher power I have someone like you to talk to
I say:
Challenging me and making me better my own sense of thinking
I say:
But yeah
I say:
I agree brother
I say:
Sure I may treat people with an initial sense of....
I say:
Distrust I guess
I say:
Doesn't mean they are'nt brothers and sisters with different ideologies
I say:
We are all in the human race together
I say:
So to hold prejudice, anger, racism amongst people
I say:
Despite the fact it's wrong
I say:
It's just plain ignorant brother
I say:
Sure, I may not agree with people at times
I say:
I may even get angered by them
I say:
But social heritage is something that needs to be shared
I say:
Isn't that what we were born for?
I say:
Free will?
I say:
Also, I anger myself by ending my own sentences with propositions
I say:
It's just bad English
Rasty says:
Fuck 'bad English' man.
Rasty says:
I'm feeling good vibes from you tongiht man.
Rasty says:
It's good.
Rasty says:
You're right.
Rasty says:
I'm happy I know you man, you're truly a good person Carl.
I say:
I say:
At times i wonder if I should open myself to new people
I say:
But you know how life is friend
I say:
We subconcioussly shield ourselves from bad experiences
Rasty says:
So true man.
Rasty says:
But.
Rasty says:
We've got to consciously fight it.
I say:
Trying to actively become aware of your own subconsiouss is a tough one
Rasty says:
The system works by alienating us, isolating us from one another with ridiculous notions that somehow ought to seperate us, 'class', 'sex', 'status'. Bullshit. Everyone is your friend.
Rasty says:
Agreed.
Rasty says:
I still can't really do it.
Rasty says:
Drugs do help.
Rasty says:
Meditation helps.
Rasty says:
But hey, that's where I know I can't do anything.
Rasty says:
You?
I say:
Sitting down, thinking, and trying to be at peace
I say:
I suppose that helps
I say:
Meditation I guess for me aswell
I say:
Furthermore
I say:
Made a pretty good friend at University
I say:
Who will actually listen to my nonsensical ramblings and actively participate
I say:
Tried to brick myself in with getting to know people about what happened with Terese this summer
I say:
But sometimes when I meet new people
I say:
It's hard to explain, because it follows no logical conceptions
I say:
Bar that of surrealism
I say:
Sometimes I see people as ...who they really are
I say:
Having OCD and anxiety and certain mental issues warps the mind so
I say:
So when new people are met. sometimes they are appealing to me in a mental sense
I say:
Hard to explain really
I say:
But with Penny, was just...right
I say:
She just sort of listens, not passively, but participates too
I say:
It's nice to have ONE friend in real life really
I say:
Fuck the norm brother
I say:
Fuck "The man" telling us whats right, wrong, who to befriend, what to believe in
I say:
I make my own beliefs based on myself, my emotive state, and those around me
I say:
Sure I could die tommorow
I say:
But at least I'll die for what I believe in
Rasty says:
I love you man.
Rasty says:
All of that.
Rasty says:
The sum total of that.
Rasty says:
Is so real.
Rasty says:
Seriously, man, I'm glad to know you.
Rasty says:
I'm definitely on your level.
Rasty says:
Let's do thsi.
Rasty says:
*this
Rasty says:
Ho ho.
I say:
Whats the point in living
I say:
If you can't feel alive?
I say:
I'm glad to live in such a time at the moment
I say:
Last year, university was drab
I say:
dull
I say:
meaningless
I say:
Now I have a friend, someone to talk to, spend time with, feel things with, share theories with
I say:
Brother, I havent felt this alive in a long time
I say:
And I feel humbled
I say:
And when you feel humbled by your own sense of self worth being aleivated beyond what you think you can be?
I say:
It's euphoric
Rasty says:
That's amazing man.
Rasty says:
Maybe you'll understand this song on the level I think I understand it?
Rasty says:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=-nR2vsnH4Is
Rasty says:
Dunno if you can access youtube there or not.
I say:
I can, but with 0 music abilities
I say:
and on that bombshell
I say:
I planned to leave here at 7h30pm
I say:
But through an AMAZING talk with you
I say:
I be still here
I say:
So I humbly depart you this evening
Rasty says:
Man, it was great talking to you.
Rasty says:
Just remember, you never walk alone.
Rasty says:
We're both here, there's work to be done, so let's do it little by little.
Rasty says:
I'll see you later man, one love.
Rasty says:
<3
I say:
Same to you friend
I say:
As always, a fantastic talk
I say:
I'm actually going to upload this entire conversation to my personal blog
I say:
To share our thinking with Penny
I say:
I think she'd agree with us to be fair
I say:
Remember, keep it real friend
I say:
and remember aswell
I say:
Except our own thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power.
I say:
Peace out

World of Warcraft

2008-11-13T17:42:00.000-08:00

Still alive

2008-11-10T04:04:00.000-08:00

Handed in my first essay, I rock

And in my notes for the entirety of todays lecture, the key things I seem to have got out of it were

-People in the past wore really good hats

-Dogs think they are people

-And I drew a little picture about Simon Belmont fighting Dracula. "YOU DONT BELONG IN THIS WORLD"

PS: There needs to be more news stories about animals in clothing. This is key to how the world needs to start working.

WHY IS HE IN A SUIT?

HOW DO MONKEYS KNOW WHAT

SUNGLASSES ARE?!?!?!

News like this is awesome. Fact.

Why being lonely is sometimes super awesome: The diary of an anxiety sufferer

2008-10-23T07:53:00.001-07:00

It's 12 in the afternoon. From here my day consists of waking up, scrambling around reaching on my desk, knocking over an inordinate amount of energy drink cans till I find one with something in it. I finish that, find the power switch on my pc, then roll back over. After 5 minutes of cursing natural light, my day on the internet begins. Welcome to my life. I'm Carl, and I'm an anxiety sufferer.

Thats how my days off are. It wasn't always like this. I used to be relatively well adjusted. At high school, I was relatively popular within my circle of friends I think, and it used to be pretty cool. College followed and I had stuck with some people more than others. One person who doesn't need to be named has stuck with me since ......like I was 5. He is cool. As college progressed, I felt a bigger and bigger gap between myself and my peers. Sure, I could talk to them, and pass time with them, but there was something there which I could never quite put my finger on. To this day, I still can't. I can say this though. I've only kept in touch with one guy from college. You know who you are, and you fucking rock. Even if you are a druid.

Wondering how I got to this point? The following is where I try to explain it, as vividly as I can.

Act 1: Someone just like me.
I suppose I will harken back to my youth. As a child, I was diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome:
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/442029
As I grew older, this would sort of come and go, depending on the extremity of the situation. A moment in time I remember very intensly could be considered amusing to the outsider. I was sat upstairs, playing Command and Conquer for the Playstation. I was about 9 years old, and obviously didn't know what I was doing. At this point my parents burst in the room, heard me subconciouslly saying obscenities, and...hit me. A lot. They didn't know at this point that I was suffering from it, so they did what they thought was best. I don't blame or have any sort of anger at them for this. Years before, I went to a child psychiatrist, and she said "I have no symptoms". I go back years later, and "Oh actually, he does. Sorry about the fuck up".

We were not best pleased. The years inbetween this and my next "Phase" flew by. Occasionally I would be bad, sometimes not. It was just a phase I suppose. It wasn't fun to grow up with. People looking at me, whispering about me, asking what I was doing. Looking at it now, this was probably where my onset of anxiety began.

Fast Forward to High School....

Act II. Medicate (Awakening)]
At high school, things were okay. I was a healthy growing up child, who "Gets on well with his peers and works hard when he exerts himself". I was happy then, with that brief ridiculous romance with the school Goth, which I will say now, was fucking weird, but I suppose thats another story for another day. In my spare time, I obviously played Video games. It was in this time my Father introduced me to Half-Life. I imagine it like what people felt like when they first heard The Beatles or something. I fucking hate them, but liken it to that if you will. As I grew older, I began to immersify myself deeper and deeper in RPG's. The atmosphere, the characters, the plots. I felt like I could really....be alive in those games. Becoming engrossed in fiction was where I found my haven, my "Home away from home", so to say. Normal people my age were going out, getting illegally drunk, experimenting with underage sex, and all the "Fun, cool" stuff I suppose you are meant to do at that age. I wasn't. I was wondering how the fuck to get the Key to get in that door in the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time ( You all know which one I am talking about. Nostalgiabomb or go to hell.) Well, I suppose everyone is entitled to do what they like right?

Fast forward to college:

Act 3: Full circle

College was fucking awesome. When I began, it was a totally new thing for me. I could study what I wanted, meet new friends from the district, and hopefully...do something with myself. Maybe meet a girl and....I don't know. Whatever. As college progressed over the years, I made a few good friends actually. I had a full selection of people I could hang out with, and for the first time in my life, I really felt like I belonged. Be it talking about the vidya with Lewis, Stupid shit with Nick, or nice things with Naomi, things were pretty good. It was about this time aswell that one of the defining points on how I ended up like I am arose.

World of Warcraft. Oh WoW, you bitch. I could stop sucking your wonderful, wonderful milk, if it wasn't so deliciously sweet.

I enjoyed World of Warcraft. It was good. I could completely immersify myself in it for hours on end, and feel like I accomplished something, even if it was just a grindfest for hours on end. Through this, I became more introverted. I would call off going to parties to play it all night long. Do I regret it?

Yes and No

It was at one of those pivotal moments in my life where I think I was meant to be, again, going out and meeting girls and drinking them brews, 'cause that's what a growing teen is meant to do right? The end of college is now. I see everyone on my last day. My fucking brilliant tutors, Caroline and Lance. They really got me through college, and I appreciate everything they did for me. Even if I was a dick. We all swore to stay in touch, my friends and I. We already had each other on MSN messenger and things, and phone numbers, so I didn't think it would be so hard to do this. It was. After the first few weeks, I realised a dwindling number of people would talk to me frequently. I still spoke to Lewis, and occasionally Hana, but I never kept in touch with everyone I wanted to.

To be honest, I don't really care now. I'm beyond that point of trying to keep in touch with people who can't be bothered. I have the friends I have, and I'm fine with them

Fast forward to University: Year 1.

Act 4: Intervals

University was different. This was the point where I thought, "Right, I never do anything with real people, so I guess this will be the point where I get out there and make contacts." I met my flatmates, and they were......average, with the exception of a wonderful young lady named Helen. I still talk to her now. She is super nice. I would occasionally go "Out" with these people, but with living alone, comes a very real and very frightening concept. I didn't HAVE to do anything I didn't want to. This was where things get really fucked up. Depression came to an all time high. This isn't very well known, but my anxiety got the worst it has ever been. There were days where I couldn't leave the flat. Not through lack of trying, I just couldn't do it. It's hard to explain, but those of you who have been through what I have know exactly what I mean. You just can't bring yourself to see the outside world. Months passed, I got worse. You know how this story ends. I cry myself to sleep at night on my plastic fucking bed, and wonder where I went wrong. I failed the year, and summer began. And oh man, did it begin....

Act 5: Razors edge.

This is going to be a short exert, because it is something I don't like to talk about. Those of you who know me very well, know exactly what happened over the summer. The triangle between myself, Joe and Terese. It didn't end nicely, and I don't want to have to think about it again, it was one of the worst times in my life, and I want to thank the following people for getting me by

-Claire. For always being there when I needed it the most. Hopefully I helped you out too.

-Jamie. Fuck you. But thanks for making things clear.

-Chris. For.......everything. Being a fellow sufferer, you knew exactly how I felt, and what to say. Thanks for everything.

The Climax: Art of Life.

We come to now. How am I? Fucking brilliant. I am back at University, with more ideas than ever before. Studying a lot has made me keen, sharp and ready to take everything I want. I suppose, yeah, I still don't really have any friends, and I'm still alone, but I have come to terms with it. Actually, I lie. I have made a friend at University. Her name is Penny, and I won't embarass her here with a load of nonsense. She is my only friend at University, and she is super rad. Especially when we discuss the semantics of Zombies for an hour( RAGE VIRUS!)

When I look back, It's been a long, strange journey(10 achievement points). Be it the nonmentioned 5 year romance with a girl from down South, my crippling depression, strong as hell medication, OBSESSION over Summer with a Swede, the fact Chris Barry is fucking AWESOME, or the fact I talk to someone at University now, I guess things are good. I can't complain. Being lonely at night is still awful. Sometimes it gets to be too much, and I have to sort of step back and look in on myself. I hate leaving the house alone, and coming home. To be alone. Maybe in time it will get better, I will meet people, that someone. But I'm not going to hold out for it. I will take things as they come to me, and as I want them. And I'll be damned if I will let depression and anxiety stand in my way.

Fast forward to 5 hours ago.

I have just come home from Anime society at university, it was nice. I came home when it was pitch black at 9pm, and found my dinner in the microwave. I heated up my burger, brought it upstairs, and fired up my PC. Sat here warmed my the glowing light off my monitor, I feel happy, placated. Almost ....content. It's funny how things come full circle isn't it?

Regards,
Carl

Even though I am no better than a beast, don't I have the right to live?

Servers down.

2008-10-18T09:19:00.001-07:00

Cry, I want to go and get my Haloween stuff

Y u do dis D:

Yeah

2008-10-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

I will still be mainly writing for Meleeattack, but this is just a personal thing, a daily diary sort of pansy bullshit thing.

Chris Barry is awesome though, look how he resists the boobies.

Anyone who questions his awesomeness, is a Jew or a Nazi.

I love you man.